Facebook Drama, Oh Joy...

I've seen this link going around on facebook about wonderwoman being queer and didn't think much of it. One of my friends got excited and was one of the posters. My boyfriend makes a simple, silly comment and shit blows up over it... I screen shoted everything and even though I stayed respectful on my friends post for her sake (unlike most others on there)I will not be so kind on my own website. Even though it is my own rant, I atleast respected the privacy of everyone there but the ignorance, disrespect and immaturity of these people is now public for all to see! Go here(don't forget your popcorn) http://www.ljpengu.com/my-blog to read the nonsense. Enjoy!

Fist Day of School a Disaster?

After only a week's break my first day didn't go as planned. I showed up for my 3d Design class five minutes early and met my only classmate. That was a bad sign. Eight students are required to make a course. I asked her if she had gotten her supplies from the book store yet and she tells me they werent going to get them in for six weeks. This is normal for our college. Every art class ive taken the book store always screws up with the orders, putting us in a bad spot. Still it irritated me to hear this. About 20 minutes of waiting the head of the art department showed up instead of the instructor. Bad sign number two. He then looks at me and says jokingly "I must be the angel of death to you." This was the third time an art class I've signed up for has been cancelled.

Not quite knowing what to do next I head over to registration to see what classes are available. It's the first day of school and I only see 3 countless working when I know there's at least 5 for our campus. One hour after signing in I talk to a counter who kept confusing my ID number and didn't understand the program I'm in...great. I tried to keep in mind her day is very busy and probably just as rough as mine was turning out to be. She eventually manages to help me find an available class that I (now late) have registered for and I head to the bookstore. I partially expected the line to be out the door. I decided to try again later in the week before my next class.

Heading home I'm both disappointed and stressed so I swing by a fast food joint (which I am not suppose to eat) who's drive through takes 20 minutes with only 4 cars ahead of me. It's lunch time so go figure right? I make it him to find a roommates parent parked directly across the driveway to which I begin honking vigorously. I'm not in the mood for this shit, they should know better.
Once I get inside I sit and scarf down my food, a clear sign I'm in a bad mood and am heavily avoided by everyone. First smart move I've seen anyone make today.

I am now lying in bed loaded with medicine to prevent sickness and anxiety attacks and venting to whomever will read this.

Going back to my origional motto: expect the worst and hope for the best. Taking this on sooner would have left me only slightly annoyed.

Hope everyone else is having better luck today.
/rant over

Dungeons and Dragons Husky

https://youtu.be/k260lmtMzVg

While we were playing Moon wanted some love. She's not normally affectionate so I had to record her calmness.

Youtube Celebreties - Jenna Marbles Review

I spend a lot of time on youtube. It's a great time killer, full of diy's, how to's and all sorts of aspects of life. It's also a very opinionated place. I've come across several youtube celebrities and even follow some of them. One of which is Jenna Marbles. I've seen some nasty comments on her for her looks, character, personality and topics but this is a positive review. I enjoy her videos. I find her funny and smart (despite her child like nature and cursing). She is an adult after all and can act and live in whatever manner makes her happy just as anyone else. My fiance says she's only a hit because she cakes on the makeup to be a hottie but I don't agree. Through her rants and opinions I've found she brings up good points on life. For example in one of her videos "People who need to pipe the fuck down", my interpretation is she speaks of merely respecting those around you. She talks about how people need to be more aware of their surroundings in regards of not walking into each other (an annoyance I can relate to) or how relentless kiosks vendors can be bothersome (also relate-able). Granted most of her videos are more based on humor and revolve around her life, if you pay attention to some of her points of view, you may find she brings up good points in some of her videos. Jenna is just living her life as best she can and enjoying is to the fullest and sharing it with us. This is what I love about youtubers. There's nothing wrong with letting people in if you have the confidence to do so. I would but lets face it...I'm not that funny otherwise I'd make this a vlog instead. Sure I can have fun and be silly with my friends but put me infront of a camera or strangers I'll freeze. But watching others who have that extrovert personality and confidence to make strangers smile inspires me and hopefully one day others like me will learn to open up more. So go check her out if you havent all ready (if you don't mind a lot of cursing)lol. She may make you smile.

Breaking 2008

I'm sick of the past And fear the future Responsible for my mistakes And guilty for my pain. All wounds open All thoughts fade Tears of blood sustain my cries As the beauty of life dies. Battles of hope cease Chained to familiar misery Poisoned with hate Longing for deliverance. My heart screams its sorrows As my soul shatters Picking up the pieces I bleed no more Clearly taken over As I'm breaking Slowly dieing inside. Copyrighted 2008 by LJPengu

Test Anxiety

Even with my panic disorder I’ve never had test anxiety before I started taking college algebra. Math has always been a difficult subject for me (which is one of the reasons I chose to go into art) but after I failed the first time around I became worried.
A lot of people may struggle with school and get nervous when exams come around. I do great in any other subject but this threw me through a loop! This semester was my third attempt to get through this class and I had a lot riding on it. If I didn’t pass I would of had to drop out! Going through the grade forgiveness made this the last time I could take the class and without it is wouldn’t get my degree. But I made it. I managed to pass!
I had so much riding on this I barely made it through the exam. My stomach was torn up, I was having panic attacks and trying hard not to puke. Test anxiety is a real thing and I experienced it for the first time.
If anyone else goes through this just remember, it’s only temporary and is worth it in the end! If I can make it through something like that so can you! Don’t ever give up!

Don't Undersestimate Anxiety Disorders.

     Everyone gets anxiety at some time in their life. It's completely natural at certain levels. But there are those who have to deal with so much more than just your normal amount of stress...
    
      There are different types of anxiety disorders and many people who suffer from them but to day I'm only going to talk about one of them: Panic Disorder. Why? Because it's what I suffer from. I understand all to well what it's like to be constantly on edge, fearing the next panic attack and struggling just to make it out of the front door. I'm going to do my best to describe what life is like with this disorder so hopefully others will gain a better understanding of people who suffer from it.

     I often wake up in the morning wondering if I'm going to make it through the day. People will often say "Take it one day at a time." but in my case I have to take it one hour at a time, often also focusing on even less than that.

I have emetophobia, which is the intense fear of vomiting and on top of that I am currently being tested for Chrone's Disease for constant nausea and diarrhea that I experience. I'm terrified to eat most of the time for fear that I'll get sick. I rarely ever eat breakfast. In fact I often wake up very nauseated or in extreme pain in my sides. If I have somewhere I have to be such as school or work I have to give myself 2-3 hours to get over the discomfort so I often wake up long before I should need to just to get ready for the day. While I'm out I rarely eat. If i'm out of town I wont eat at all. I've gone days without eating just so I can be with family or have new experiences with my fiance. If I get sick and I'm not at home I will have a full blown panic attack and want to come straight home. The way I see it, I'd rather be hungry than sick and/or having a panic attack otherwise I wont be able to focus or concentrate on what I need to. If I have a trip planned the next day I wont eat the day/night before just so I can get out the door the next morning. Since food is a major trigger for me it's one of the things I avoid most (which sucks because I do love to eat when I can).

   What does a panic attack feel like? It varies from person to person but what we all have in common is we feel an immense amount of fear. It's not always the  "Oh my God I'm going to die!" kind of fear but more of a "This is never going to end" kind (which for some people can be much worse which is why many will commit suicide just to end their suffering). It's both mentally and physically exhausting. Kinda like running a marathon and studying for a final exam at the same time.

For me, when I go into a panic attack it always starts with nausea. I will begin to feel queasy, like a lump in my throat that I can't get rid of. It slowly starts to grow into the urge to gag even if my stomach feels fine. It usually is in just my throat. As that is happening the fear will hit. "Please don't throw up" is repeated  in my head. I'll instantly become extremely lightheaded and unable to concentrate on anything around me which is just as terrifying to not have control of your own mind. I'll get cold sweats, my hands and feet will become very cold yet my body may feel like its on fire. Sometimes my body will even go numb. I'll get shaky, pounding heart, trouble catching my breath and will have trouble staying still. If i'm in bed trying to calm down I will be squirming. I rarely throw up (thank god) due to my fear of vomiting I've somehow managed a mind over matter trick to where I can fight the actual action. I'll often get diarrhea or some form of sour stomach which doesn't help. I tend to mentally prepare for the worst case scenario. If I end up having an attack at night, it'll keep me awake until it subsides just enough for me to pass out from the exhaustion. 

     One of my go-to's to calm down is I Love Lucy. I found in high school whenever reruns would come on tv it was funny enough to distract me when I'd have an attack. So I went out and bought every season! Other shows that help are also sitcoms such as Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Two and a Half Men and King of Queens. I also enjoy anime but the only one I'll watch during an attack is Azumanga Daioh. These shows help distract me and even make me laugh a little when I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare. I'll sometimes have something else going on too like a craft or piece of art I'm working on as long as it's something I can do in bed. If I'm in public, the first thing I'll do is get away from strangers. It's really embarrassing to go through an attack infront of people who doesn't know whats wrong with you. Sometimes walking around a little will help burn off some of the adrenaline rush I'll be having. I try to make sure there's a bathroom near "just in case". At home I'll have a trash can with a new trash liner (just in case I do end up throwing up), Ice water for hydration, a cold wet rag for when I feel I'm burning up, my medicine on my nightstand (I take anti-anxiety meds which usually help calm me down) and whatever distraction I need going in the background. This is the process I go through.

     It's very difficult to keep people in my life because of this. I often loose the motivation to see my friends and spend alot of time at home. It can be hard to date someone who goes through this as well. They wont be able to experience and enjoy things as much as most people would like. My family, fiance and friends have all be amazing and understanding though. My parents have always been there for me, trying to help me when they can. My fiance is always supportive. He stays near when he can when I'm sick or having an attack and tries to nurse me back to health. He's lasted an amazing 7 years with me so far. My friends don't pressure me to leave my comfort zone yet always come over when I'm ready to see them again. They're all very patient with me and do their best to make sure I'm comfortable. I count myself very lucky because of this. I am truly blessed with the people in my life and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Not even a normal life, which I would give almost anything for (almost). But still...because of what I go through and what I know I put them though I cant help but still feel like a burden and annoyance to the people in my life. It's a constant battle mentally to try and live with this type of problem. "Will they reject me? Do they see me as weak? Am I annoying them? Will they give up on me?" Are thoughts that are hard to shake.

Even if I begin to feel confident enough to not have them directly in my mind I can still feel them in the back of my mind. It also makes it hard to meet new people. "Am I being too awkward? Am I weird? What does this person think of me?" Is also a struggle. But even with these thoughts I have managed to gain the strength to say "Hi".
     I eventually learned to push myself out of my comfort zone and try new things. I try to live as normal as I can even though the attacks and fears are still there. I had to mentally train myself to remember that they are only temporary and I will eventually be ok.

     It's not an easy life. It's very difficult to maintain a job or stay in school when someone goes through this on nearly a daily basis. So often people in my situation end up finding themselves unable to keep a job or work or keep up with classes and end up staying at home. It's not a matter of being lazy, its a matter of being disabled by your own mind and body. Not crazy enough to be in an asylum but not well enough to function like a normal person. That limbo of two ways of life. So before you tell someone "You're over reacting." or "Just calm down and get over it." try to understand exactly what they're going through and feeling. And if you're the one going through something like this just remember you're not alone and there are ways to manage it and help available.